I was dying inside

The first five years of our relationship were fairly “normal”. He wanted so much to marry but I was afraid to lose that control to someone even though I loved him deeply. His mother died suddenly and everything changed. I remember the first time he hit me…..

It started out as a conversation about his mother and the fact that the thing she wanted the most was for us to be married. Then it suddenly became anger of how come I wouldn’t fulfill that most simple wish. I was devastated…. What I didn’t realize at the time was that it was the beginning of the breakdown of my inner self…

Slowly he started taking a little more control in every aspect of my life. My daughter was witness to these horrific scenes and would run screaming to her room and hide in her closet…

One night I turned to look at him instead of cowering and covering my head with my arms and I saw the most grotesque look on his face. In the seconds before he dislocated my jaw I saw the look of enjoyment! and satisfaction….. He found a way to release his anger… After this I knew I had to get out….. but he had such control at that point that I wasn’t allowed to even drive myself to work or go anywhere alone with my daughter. I lived a double life… trying to act normal at work, feeling the anxiety grow inside as it grew closer to the end of my shift…. feeling true fear as we drove home in silence.. The abuse was daily… From physical to emotional to rape……

The day of the rape I tried to leave… just walk out the door when he wasn’t paying attention…. I lived about five miles away from my closest neighbor (more control). I was about a quarter mile away from the house when I heard him hollering at me…. I saw a car coming and thought I will be alright…. The next thing I knew he dove on me and I went down… The car drove by as he was dragging me by my hair…. He beat me so bad that day that when he hit me I saw a bright light with every blow to the back of my head… He knocked me unconscious and when I came to he was having sex with me…. I started to cry and he shattered my ear drum…. I could hear my daughter crying for him to stop from the other room… I was teetering on the brink of insanity….. I don’t remember much until the next morning… I got up… my body hurting clear into my soul…. He and my daughter were gone…I walked out to the deck and laid down…. For a long time I just stared blankly… trying to figure how did such a bright and attractive person get herself into this….

I played the last ten years of my life over in my head and started to cry hysterically….I was dying inside… Now I was mad… At myself for being so weak.. At God for not showing me a way out…. I yelled at God that I was losing it and please show me the way out and I would hold on… Please show me a sign!!!

Exhausted I stopped yelling to the heavens and laid down and started to cry again …slowly letting my psyche leave me…..I opened my eyes and saw a little bird hopping on the deck inches from my face!!! It was my sign!!! I’m not sure what it meant or if it was sent from God or My guardian Angel or what…The bird visited me several times a day and once came several hops into my house…It saved me from insanity and the day I left was the last day I ever saw that bird….

I walked out with the clothes on my back and never regretted that day…The most ironic thing about it all is that I used to be a woman who couldn’t understand how a woman would put herself into that kind of situation or stay in it….I tell every one that will listen my story because they are so astonished that a person such as me would ever be in that situation…..

Society has a mindset of what an abused women is…… We need to change that stereotype and show them that it can be anyone…..If you are in an abusive relationship, find the strength within yourself first….Then look for those helping hands……They will be where you least expect…Peace & Love!

~~~ 32, USA, “I was going to get out or die trying”