The Defiant Child

Although a parent may not realize it a child's defiant behavior may be a "response to parents who are excessively controlling or overly protective." (Positive Discipline A-Z, 1001 Solutions To Everyday Parenting Problems, Jane Nelsen, Lynn Lott, and H. Stephen Glenn, 1999 p.104)

Some simple changes will help alleviate the defiant behavior. Begin by offering your child choices daily, and let him have the last word. As an example, offer your child choices regarding the clothes he wears. If you don't like what he has chosen offer a choice between two other ones, rather than forcing him to wear the one you have chosen.

Let your child have a voice in daily choices and decisions within the home. Prepare a schedule with him. As an example:
  1. Would you like to schedule your bed time for 7:00 or 7:30 p.m.?
  2. Would you like to have breakfast before watching Barney or after Barney?
Of course if you wish to send your child off to bed at 7:00, offer your child a choice between 6:30 and 7:00 p.m. Once your child feels his decisions are his own, he will be less defiant in your requests. In addition, reminding your child a few minutes before 7:00 that it will soon be bed-time, makes for a much easier transition.

I also recommend you read the two books referenced below. 'Parenting The Strong-Willed Child' includes a 5 week program for changing the present interactions between parent and child, that cause conflict. And 'Positive Discipline A-Z is as it says, A-Z.
Adopt a communication style that respects the child: Focus on your child's positive rather than negative behaviors. Reward your child often for positive small behavior changes (whether done purposely or by mistake). As the behavior becomes permanent the rewards can slowly be given less frequently. Although if you are rewarding your child with a smile or a pat on the back - keep that up. It is both cost-efficient and more rewarding for your child in the long-term to have emotional support, than toys.

Change your behavior... and you change the child. And when you have the time, hopefully as soon as possible, learn more about yourself and what makes you 'tick'.

"Given poor experiences from one’s past, it can be a challenge for some persons to parent in such a way so as not to re-create the familiar. In other words, it can be difficult to parent differently from how you were parented so what happened to you doesn’t happen to your children. Some persons who have had poor childhood experiences are concerned about their parenting skills. Even some persons with good childhood experiences have concerns too." (http://www.yoursocialworker.com)

Remember that if your are paying attention to your child's negative behavior, you may be rewarding your child if this is the only attention your child is getting from you. And the next time your child wants your attention, he will do what he can to get it. If that means acting 'crazy' that is what he will do. So instead, stay focused on the positive. Make sure to offer alot of daily positive attention.

Avoid yelling or spanking. For inappropriate behavior adopt time-outs for young children, where your child will sit quietly til time is up. Avoid extended time outs. Make them short, simple, and with no yelling or discussion. If your child sits quietly for three minutes, he can go play. If not, he can sit an extra minute. If he then is quiet he can go. If not... another minute...

Introduce weekly family meetings to discuss issues, and prepare a do's and don't list (house rules list) that prepare your child for postive or negative outcomes for an item on the 'do' or 'don't' list. Family meetings should be about co-operating, and everyone, including your child, should have input into the weekly schedule.

Praise your children. Tell them how much you love them and how important they are in your life and as a part of your family. Your child will be happy to accomodate and please a respectful and happy parent. Although you may have alot on your plate, your child, from where he is standing, sees it twice as full.

Don't forget to include funtime for your child and for yourself. It's mommy & Timmy time; play, play, play!!!

References