REAL BOYS


Excerpts from the book
REAL BOYS
Rescuing Our Sons From The Myths of Boyhood, 1998
William Pollack, Ph.D.


"At the heart of society's beliefs about boys are the ideas that, early on, boys need to achieve 'masculine autonomy' and that even today this is a prerequisite for a boy's healthy psychological development. Since young boys are taught that staying close to their mothers is something shameful, one of their natural responses is to turn to their fathers for love. Yet for some boys, mother may offer a special kind of nurturing, loving interaction that even the most caring father may not be able to replicate. And for many other boys, father may simply not be there to meet them... At a very young age, a boy may feel emotionally abandoned, without knowing that's what he feels. (p.26)

[...] imagine the sense of loss a boy must feel as he is prodded to separate from the most cherished, admired, and loved person in his life, the shame and embarrassment he often encounters whenever he's asked to 'act like a man' but doesn't yet feel equipped to do so, the destructive feelings - of self-hatred, inadequacy, loneliness - that become deeply embeedded within the definition he creates of his own nascent masculine identity. (p.29) [...] pushing boys to separate, to be on their own, when they signal they need something else, is a mistake with serious emotional consequences. It is so traumatic that it can lead... to depression. (p.32) [...] the same kind of shame that silences girls from expressing their true voice as adolescents takes its inhibiting and self-suppressing toll on their brothers at a much earlier age. And while girls may be shame-sensitive, boys are shame-phobic: they are exquisitely yet unconsciously attuned to any signal of 'loss of face' and will do just about whatever it takes to avoid shame. ... engage in a variety of behaviors that range from avoidance of dependency to impulsive action, from bravado and rage-filled outbursts to intense violence. (p.33)

[...] All three- to five-year-olds suffer somewhat as they begin to spend more time apart from their primary caregiver. But society's gender stereotypes permit daughters to linger with their mothers, while little boys are urged out of their comfort zones and into a premature separation. When the little boys resist, another set of stereotypes - that boys need to be toughened up - leaves them with an additional burden of inner shame... boys hide these feelings behind their masks of 'cool'. And as boys grow into men, they continue to hide their feelings, and an ever-intensifing sense of shame and disconnection develops within them. (p.35-36)

[...] Starting during infancy with the trauma of separation and persisting during early childhood and adolescence, the same-hardening process continues throughout the lives of our boys and men. It is a process that causes boys and men to develop a thick skin, a strong resistance to showing any emotions that might lead them to feel ashamed... when we look closely at the behavior of young boys, and when we listen closely to their stories, we realize that what in men or older boys is often interpreted as a macho sense of rigor and cockiness, in reality often has much more to do with hardening. This hardening takes place, and the mask goes up, not because boys or men feel particularly strong or self-assured, but rather because they don't - they feel anxious to protect themselves from wounds to their already fragile male psyches. Once they've been shamed enough for failing to be fully masculine, once they've been told enough times that they should suppress their vulnerable feelings, once they've actually been physically injured for failing to meet the mark, boys allow the wounds to scar over, cover any remaining soft tissue, and act as if everthing is going all right. (p.45)

[...] boys can become thoroughly hardened that they literally anesthetize themselves against the pain they must cope with. And because they are left unsupervised at an earlier age than girls and are usually discouraged by adults from engaging in help-seeking behaviors at their time of greatest vulnerability or need, boys learn to remain silent despite their suffering. Studies show, for instance, that though by the time boys reach junior high school, one in ten of them has been kicked in the groin, and though 25 percent of these boys actually suffer injuries to their groin area, the majority never tell an adult. One year after the trauma, 25 percent show signs of depression and 12 percent manifest post-traumatic syndromes. As powerful as the cultural imperatives of the Boy Code may be in pushing boys of all ages to separate from their parents, toughen themselves up, and restrict their emotional lives, there is a lot we can do as adults to help boys overcome these conventional pressures.

... At least once a day, give your boy your undivided attention
... Encourage the expression of a full range of emotions
... When a boy expresses vulnerable feelings, avoid teasing or taunting
... Avoid using shaming language in talking with a boy
... Look behind anger, aggression, and rambunctiousness
... Express your love and empathy openly and generously
... Let boys know that they don't need to be "sturdy oaks"
... Create a model of masculinity for him that is broad and inclusive (p.45-51)

Read more - THE NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER - an excellent book to read